So That I Remember

I hope I'll always remember this day. This is the day I wrote my last undergrad university exam. It was in Stat 430 - Experimental Design, from 7:30 - 10 pm. Its currently 11:30 pm as I write this, so that I'll remember this feeling always.

It's incredible how quickly time has passed. First high school was over, and unbelievably, university is already over! I still remember the first days of university. Moving in with Cherry, the excitement, anticipation. Over the past 5 years, I've grown and changed so much. It feels like I've finally grown into my own skin.

Right now, I just feel...a bittersweet feeling. I've hoped for this for so long, but I just can't believe it's over. It doesn't feel over yet - probably because I'm still in Waterloo, so it hasn't hit me in full force. I feel tired, relieved, sad, happy, scared, and giddy. I will miss Waterloo. I'll miss going to classes, having the freedom to do whatever I want, the time, and most of all, hanging out with Michelle. We've had our ups and downs, but I think without her, university would most definitely not have been as awesome an experience. It makes me very sad to think that it's over. Life moves on, but if I could freeze this moment, I would. Right now...I feel a calm, sad feeling. Like what Late Night Alumni - Meant To Be evokes.

I wonder what the future holds. Will I be successful? Will I be married, happy, rich, poor? I believe that life is what you make of it, but right now, I don't even know what I want to achieve yet. Where would I like to be in 5 years? 10 years? I don't even know...

The most incredible thing is how fast time has passed! I still can't believe it, 5 years! That sounds like a hell of a long time, but it has passed in a blink. 5 years ago, I could not have possibly predicted how much I would have changed. I remember in high school and the beginning of university I was very unsure of myself. I didn't know what to do, didn't know how to handle the world, all the people, and pressure. But over the past 3 years or so, everything has changed so dramatically.

I made a shitload of mistakes. Terrible mistakes that I cringe upon every time I think back. Mistakes in relationships, socially, schoolwork, career, parents, and my own well being. But, as I look back now, I'm kind of glad I made those mistakes. I'm glad they happened when I was younger and not as stuck in my ways. I was able to learn from those mistakes, and apply improvements as I went along and make future experiences better.

Hell, I'm still making mistakes. Shit happens, but I think now, I'm able to forgive myself. I've consciously found that now, I don't beat myself over mistakes. When something goes wrong, previously I'd feel really depressed about it and be stuck in that corner of my mind for ages. But now, I feel like I can think beyond it. Just say "Oh well, it's happened, let it go."

It's taken me a long time to realize that life is short. We're on this earth, surrounded by the people we love, for such a short amount of time. It could disappear in a second. Because of this realization, I've come to appreciate the important things in life a lot more, and learned to just let go of the unimportant stuff. Back when I was a teenager, I had so many fights with my parents, but now I realize, I wouldn't be able to go on if they were to go away. Nothing else could replace them, so why bother fighting with them? Nowadays, if anything ever comes up, I just shrug it off. There's just no point in fighting anymore. I really love my parents, and I appreciate them so much more than before. They've done an indescrible amount for me, I only wish I could pay them back somehow.

The same goes for relationships. When I was younger, I would try to hold on to people so hard, yet try to change them at the same time to suit me. I thought that if I tried hard enough to be happy, I would be. If I put on a mask, maybe they'll like me more. Now I know, life's too short for that sort of thing. There's no point in wasting time trying to change someone. People just don't change unless something dramatic happens. I've come to accept people as what they are - flawed, scared, proud, funny, talented, shy - just like me. Some don't want to be my friend, some do. All you can really hope for is to meet someone who likes as you are, and try to make it together. If it doesn't work out, let 'em go, and if it does, awesome!

The final most profound change in myself is in terms of career. The past jobs I had, I was an impetuous teenager. I thought I could do whatever I wanted. I had a bad attitude, I didn't work very hard, and I said a lot of stupid things (the time with the CEO in the elevator comes to mind). I couldn't accept that in the business world, you couldn't just "be yourself". Everywhere they tell you to "be yourself", but I finally realize, it comes with a condition. Only "be yourself" at home. At work, you can't be yourself. At work, you have to be the person they want to promote. That episode of Simpsons where Marge tells Lisa that she can be sad if she wants to be? That episode has misled me for so long. It doesn't work when you're an adult. The boss doesn't see the free spirited soul you have inside, and he doens't care (I thought he did). No, to get ahead, you have to present yourself in the right way. It may seem like a simple lesson, but I really didn't learn it until that disastrous term at the firm which shall not be named.

I've also learned that people have extremely long memories that only extrapolate in the direction they started off in. And inevitably, you'll see the same people over and over again. The only way to circumvent any misgivings, is by being respectable from the get-go. You don't have to like them, but never give cause for grievance. I feel bad that I have made some people unhappy with me in the past, but I can only hope that they move on too, and hopefullly I never meet them in a backalley.

And so, I'm glad I learned these lessons. The trial and error may have been painful during the time, but it's over now with no permanent negative effects. I'm definitely a better person than before, and I hope that as life moves on, I only improve.

Tomorrow I'll move back to Toronto. Friday I'm taking my grandpa on a tour of downtown Toronto, Saturday going to Mt. Tremblant. A busy week ahead, but there'll be plenty of down time to think.

There's a lot on my plate now, but it's awesome how much time I have to accomplish it. True freedom is living off your parents haha...but I kid, I really want to accomplish these things:

1) I'm determined to lose all the weight I've gained from ibanking and exam studying. That treadmill is going to see a lot of action from now on.
2) Update and spruce moose up my resume
3) Go shopping and get lots of nice new clothes once I'm not as chubby
4) Start applying to loads of jobs, everywhere. I don't want to limit myself, so the possibilities are endless! California, Chicago, New York, London, Switzerland, Shanghai, HK, Beijing, Taiwan...my resume will be invading all major cities in continents across the world!
5) Start doing proper research for investment opportunities. Make money trading and buy a nice HDTV for my parents.
6) Review all my finance schoolwork. More studying... heh...but I'm looking forward to it!
7) Play more Tatsunoko vs. Capcom. I really like this game, just never had the time to get into it. But now...opportunities abound! I can't wait for the US release!
8) Practise more piano, learn a few impressive songs by heart and grow my repetoire.
9) Improve my song remixing skills. Make all those remixes I've been thinking about.
10) Finish painting the walls in our house. Haha....this has taken forever, and there's gallons of paint sitting in our garage just waiting for me. I'm looking forward to it though!

Well that was a pretty exhaustive list. Therapeutic writing though. Time to go to sleep and relax in the knowledge that I now have absolutely no pressure on me anymore. Truly living the life.